you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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