You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
