the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
