I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
