I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
