I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
