May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
