Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
