do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
