I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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