my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
