fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
