I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
