all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
