I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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