i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
