My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
