i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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