If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
