Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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