it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
