so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
