She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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