i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
