i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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