I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
