I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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