my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
