did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
