I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
