12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
