Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
