The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
