All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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