My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
