Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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