He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
