also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
