You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
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A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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