while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
