so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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