i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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