This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
