Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I touched a dick in church today
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
