mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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