I checked into jail on foursquare
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
