The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
