At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
