I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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