i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
