Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
