Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
